“Nappily Ever After” Trisha R. Thomas Sept 2012

Hello TTT Ladies,

“Single Black Women Are Tired Of Being a Spectacle” by Bene’ Viera, this is an article that I found on the website “The Huffington Post” Black Voices. This is not the whole article, but some key points I feel represent my perspective on relationships. I hope you are enjoying reading the novel “Nappily Ever After” by Trisha R. Thomas, this sets the tone as we move forth on this discussion

“I am completely against the narrative around black women’s dating life, marriage and wombs from people have no vested interest in black women or black men. The conversation that is being had is both destructive and thoughtless. Black women are fine. We don’t need a come to Jesus moment. None of the Black women I know (and I know countless highly educated, talented, kind, giving, creative, brilliant black women) need the media or anyone else to tell them to date. If they want to date white men they do. And If they want to remain loyal to black men by all means, just *%^%  let them”

This article is called” Don’t Lecture Black Women about Marriage” by  Latoya Peterson ( The Guardian) this is one of the key points in her article. This is a point of view I agree with.

“The Economist article even provides a frightening chart on falling black marriages. But it doesn’t provide an accurate picture of the dating environment. First of all black women are hardly the only women currently re-evaluating marriage. The Atlantic has spent the year documenting the changes in attitudes about rings and other shiny things. historically speaking, marriage has been defined to mean what people need it to be- from a way to secure economic security and partnership to a public declaration of love. In times of slavery, black women did not want to be married-but the main focus was on creating a stable family unit. official or otherwise. More contemporary battles over marriage revolved around the changing needs of the citizens, particularly those in same-sex relationships, or those with non-traditional families. And who said marriage is the ultimate end goal? As Samhita Mukopadhyay, author of Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Life told me: ” “Not All of this conjecture about the failure rates of marriage is based on assumption that all black women want to get married. There is so much talk about it is impacting their lives but no one puts anything into studying what they actually want/need/feel” “Not surprisingly, black women are lectured to about their love lives, not engaged in conversation.”

This leads me to my final pet peeve regarding so-called relationship experts. In their quests to sell books and make media appearances, they bulldoze the individual nature of the mating game in the rush to diagnose millions of people with the same problem. The truth is there are many reasons why people find themselves single. Sometimes, it’s their own attitudes. But many other times, the timing just isn’t right, their careers are to demanding, or they need to focus elsewhere. As a black woman who has been in a committed relationship for five years, nothing is more obvious to me than how random circumstances plays a major role in many happy relationships. If I hadn’t missed a concert, I wouldn’t know my boyfriend; if one of my friends hadn’t gone to Mali with the Peace Corps, she would have never been on the same continent as her now-husband; if another friend hadn’t missed her original train and hadn’t been wearing a sweatshirt from her alma mater, she would have never met the man she would marry.

Dating, love and marriage are far more complicated than self-proclaimed experts have us believe. Statics can show all kinds of trends, but ultimately, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness ( in a relationship) is the province of each individual.




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